“But I don’t WANNA!!!!”

 

This is what I started writing on Wednesday:

Yesterday I had a case of the “don’t wannas”: my body and mind and heart were TIRED from dealing with a family crisis, and even though I had lots of time, I didn’t want to expend any effort at all. Please don’t confuse the “don’t wannas” with REST. Rest is when I need to give my mind and body time to recover and recuperate from exertion, or just to lie low when my chronic illness saps me of energy. But the “don’t wannas” happen when I’ve had enough rest and enough food, but can’t overcome mental inertia. To quote the great fount of modern philosophy, The Simpsons, “That smacks of EFFORT.”

So, yesterday I had the “don’t wannas” and I was uncomfortable with it. My “inner food addict” wanted me to eat for comfort, but since I’ve been in recovery, that’s not an option for me.

Then I stopped. Because I didn’t wanna keep going.

Today I asked myself the question: “Do I HAFTA?” There’s the rub: Is this project something imposed upon me by an outside authority? Then maybe I really do HAFTA. But is this something that I’ve imposed on myself for the wrong reason? Am I trying to impress you, dear reader? Am I trying to fulfill some kind of image I have of myself as a “writer”? Am I trying to live up to some standard of perfection that would make me no longer a human being? Then maybe I don’t HAFTA.

My answer today is that maybe I don’t WANNA write and maybe I don’t HAFTA post, but today I’m asking something of myself for the RIGHT reasons. I want to write and post this because it will make my life and, hopefully yours, better.

Thanks for listening.